Birds, bees and being African

Written by Tendai Maidza
Thursday, 09 February 2012 14:31

On a continent where the greatest associations with females and sexuality are of genital mutilation, HIV, teen pregnancy, corrective rape and abuse, it’s no wonder that the subject of sex and sexuality is one not broached often in many households. In fact, the goal of most “sex talks” between mothers and daughters is to discourage any curiosity or general interest in the subject and ultimately the activity. Chastity and restraint is prized above all other virtues for women, and as such many myths and tales are concocted to ensure this is achieved.

My first awareness of how “bad and dirty” sex was came when I realised that any time there was a “kissing scene” or any hint of intimacy on television, my father subtly hinted to my mother that we should be sent on a random errand, or, in extreme cases, to bed. I shudder to think how my parents would have handled all the “soft porn” being shown so early on television these days. My parents’ reluctance to expose their little angel to anything so vile taught me that something was essentially wrong with kissing. As I grew older and found that watching people kissing on TV had an effect on me, I learnt by association that the effect must be wrong, dirty or bad.
 

DISAPPROVAL AND MYTHOLOGY
 

I remember being called into my mother’s room during my early teens, for the much-anticipated birds-and-bees talk, and because I had already heard things from “that girl in my class”, I had a vague idea of what my mother would say. To my dismay, the talk turned out to be a rather stern four-word instruction: “Don’t play with boys!” This confusing little incident set the course for any and all interactions I have since had with my mother regarding the subject of dating, boys, sex and sexuality. I have learnt over the years that this approach is not uncommon. It’s almost like parents think that by not speaking about it too openly, they will protect their girl children from the big bad dirty world.
 

Over and above the subtle disapproval, our parents also concocted stories to discourage any curiosity that the brave might have dared to show. A friend once told me of how she lived in terror, because her mother had told her that if a boy touched her breasts, they would sag, thus revealing her shame. Other myths told were that if you have sex before you are married, your mother will suffer extreme backache and will know that you have been bad, and, my personal favourite, if you lose your virginity (before marriage), no matter how much salt you put in the dish you are preparing, the food will be bland and your whole family will know what you have been up to (so what – the condiments are also in on this?). These stories, as ridiculous as they sound now, achieved their desired end and churned out sexually repressed women whose chastity was applauded at home but became a disability in the real world.
 

FROM INNOCENCE TO ABUSE
 

The reason why I say a disability, is because one’s sexuality is an integral part of your identity, and being informed and enabled to talk about these issues with a responsible adult allows a young woman to appreciate this aspect of her identity. Jennifer tells me how her mother, a qualified nurse, never spoke to her about sex or sexuality. She says an uncle who lived with them would come to her room at night, undress her and molest her. She was too scared to say anything to her mother, who had shut this door of communication, and to this day she has not confronted her uncle whom she still sees regularly at family gatherings. She says this affected her because she then started having sex at an early to replace the image of her uncle and subsequently fell pregnant at 15. Having the talk with her mother may not have stopped her from becoming sexually active at an early age, but she feels she would at least have been able to open up about the abuse by her uncle and thus have it stopped. Not talking about it and creating scary myths around the subject leaves young women vulnerable and open to abuse as they then also begin to regard the topic as being taboo.
 

THE WRONG SOURCES
 

Another result of the information embargo is that young women then seek the information from any sources willing to give the information. As a teenager, my personal authority on all things sex was Beverly Hills 90210. I attempted to re-enact and emulate the sordid little scenes I witnessed every Thursday evening and only stopped short of actually engaging in a sexual act with any of the pimply boys whose attention I caught at socials. My peers were also another source of information (usually the girls my mother discouraged me from interacting with), and while their information was often in the category of disasters waiting to happen, they were open and (somewhat) honest. Girls who had gone boldly into those unchartered waters were for some of my friends a source of great wisdom. Over wine one night, my friend Gayle told us of how, in preparation for her “first time”, college mates gathered to advise her. Their advice was comprised of titbits such as: “Don’t giggle when you see it for the first time. And don’t be scared when ‘it’ grows like a balloon.” Another college mate offered the following (very pertinent wisdom), “Make moaning noises while you are doing it, even if you can’t feel anything.” (A moaning noise has often helped a girl out in an awkward situation...) The only problem with advice from peers is that they see the world from pretty much the same perspective as you and lack the wisdom of hindsight.
 

THE SEARCH FOR SEXUAL FREEDOM
 

Finding some measure of sexual freedom is a life-long process for many young black women. The restrictions imposed upon us by our societies, religion and tradition mean that we are constantly trying to find the balance between the world and circumstances we live in and our upbringing. The expectations of our youth make for a confusing backdrop, and I have often heard from my married male friends how the “self-control of youth” has been taken too far by their wives and is now affecting their marital relations. Advice from aunties, like that one should not initiate sex in the first few months of marriage as your husband will think you are loose, often send conflicting messages. It makes it impossible to celebrate one’s sexuality, explore it and find fulfilment from that God-given gift even in the right context.
 

As a 30-something African woman, my search for sexual freedom has been a bumpy ride with embarrassing incidents and bad decisions, but I have learnt to embrace each experience as a learning and a discovery of myself. Breaking old rules and making new ones for myself has enabled me to be in control of my reactions and know that I am indeed mistress of my destiny – in the bedroom and beyond. While I still have hang-ups (thanks Beverly Hills 90210 and every issue of Cosmo I have bought since I was 19), just being able to define the terms of engagement for myself and create my own accepted boundaries has given me confidence, and I look forward to sharing the knowledge I have gained with other girls.